HAPPY FATHER'S DAY  / Debbie Wengert Kevin's Mom

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Thinking of precious Preston and his dear loving Family...Prayers and Hugs  / Teri Drebit (Jaime's Mom)
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Remembering / Martie Grant (friend)
I will never forget that day, on the Hot August Mamas bulletin board the sorrow, grief and shock in my good friend Amanda's post. Something so terrible happened that none of us could have even imagined. Now two years have passed, and I still remember those words with shock and sadness as if it were today. I can't even imagine how Amanda and Brandon must feel on this day. 

Amanda, I'd like you to know that I think of you and Preston often, and my heart hurts for you. I hope that you have a little peace today when you visit Preston, and that his little soul gives you a sign today. You will see him again some day, although that day probably seems like an eternity to you, but some day you will see his bubbly face again, and you will hear his laugh again and you will be able to give him a big smoochy mommy kiss!

Love one of your HAM buds, Martie Close

2 Years.....  / Melissa Weinberger (Friend)
Amanda and Brandon, words cant even start to explain the sorrow I have in my heart for the two of you and Dakota and Alivia.  I cant believe that tomorrow will be two years, it just doesnt seem possible.  Not a single day goes by that I dont think of Preston, he will always be part of my life.  I hope that you are able to find a small amount of comfort in knowing that his soul lives on and he is remembered and loved by so many people.  The harsh reality just isnt fair, and my heart breaks thinking of the pain you feel every day.  As Amanda always says the only word that fits is this SUCKS!  I wish I could take away your pain, even if just for a few moments.  Preston will be extra close to my heart tomorrow as well as all of you.  

Preston, please stay extra, extra close to mommy, daddy, Dakota, and Liv tomorrow....they need your love and strength to help them through this miserable time.  You are so very missed sweet angel!  It just isnt right that you are not here with us.  Keep sending mommy those signs.  

Two years.....impossible...sureal....but most of all, SAD :(

Sending all my love and strength, 
Melissa Close

What is Normal?  / Mommy
This was posted by another mother who lost her daughter to SUDC.  This is how I feel every second of every day.  

*What is "Normal"?* 
 
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind,
holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening. 

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an
everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal". 

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it. 
 
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby. 

Normal is making sure that others remember him. 
 
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever. 

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. 

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday. 

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one. 

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. 

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face. 

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. 

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from
this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother. 

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food. 

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God. 

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million
years. 

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal". Close

A Poem  / Mommy
A poem written by another grieving mother.

MY PRECIOUS CHILD

Talk to me, my precious child,
Speak to me in my heart.
Let me hear your kind, sweet voice
Full of love, though we’re apart.

Touch my hand, my precious child,
Even if just so brief.
Let me feel your gentleness
To help me through my grief.

The scent of you, may I enjoy
Just one more time, I plead.
To lift my spirit and soothe my soul
Right now, it’s what I need.

May I see your smile once more,
It brightens up my day.
With twinkling eyes and warmest grin
You won’t seem far away.

Stay with me, my precious child,
In heart and soul and mind.
Though you have left this world for now,
Please don’t leave me behind. Close

Special Tree's for you son  / Mommy And Daddy
Preston we worked so hard yesterday planting your 10 baby tree's.  It felt so good to be outside I always feel so close to you when we are outside. Glad the weather has improved and saw many butterflies around...were you watching over us? I hope so.  Daddy and I put to so much love into those trees yesterday.  All we can hope is the lawn guy doesn't whack them down..mommy will go postal on that one.  I can't wait for them to grow and mature so we can move them to the front yard and I can make my special memorial spot just for you my sweet boy.  Untill then we will water and nuture your baby tree's so that they will continue to grow as you should have grown with us.  Our hearts still ache badly but some how some way we continue to go through each day.  We love you so, so, so very much baby boy and miss you more than anyone could express.  

Love,
Mommy & Daddy
4/23/07
23 month Angel day Close

The Whale  / Mommy
This was in the TCF Atlanta Online newsleter and it just moved me so much.  Missing my baby boy so much!!

The Whale

A Grief Analogy
By Andrea Gambill, Fishers, Indiana
andrea.gambill@insightbb.com

Recently, a dear friend forwarded to me the following true story from the
internet:

The Whale

If you read the front-page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have
read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of
crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that
caused her to struggle to stag afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line
rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her
mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Faralon Islands (outside the Golden
Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the
rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad
off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her. .. a very
dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was
free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came
back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them. Pushing them
gently around, she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful
experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eye was following him the
whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love,
be so blessed and fortunate...
to be surrounded by people
who will help you get untangled
from the things that are binding you.
And, may you always know the joy
of giving and receiving gratitude.

As I wiped away my poignant tears, I couldn't help but think about how when we
are bereaved, we are tangled in webs and restraints, similar to the whale's,
that threaten our very existence. Every part of us is
immobilized in pain, and we are held captive, incapable of freeing ourselves.

Often, we feel as if we are swimming (and even drowning) in a foreign place
where we don't recognize the surroundings, and we aren't sure whether we can
trust those who may come and try to rescue us. We
don't know how to free ourselves, and we find it difficult to believe that
anyone else can free us either. We are sometimes so frenetic that "one slap of
the tail" could "kill" our would-be rescuers!

When we are lucky, along comes someone-like the fisherman in the story-who
cares about us and views us with compassion (but who has no idea of how to help
us), and that caring soul goes for aid from
those who are experienced with our kind of pain and distress.

The whale waited for hours, but sometimes we must wait for days, weeks, even
months (which must have seemed that long to the whale) as well. Finally, help
arrives on the scene for us, but we are so entangled
in our grief that even our mouths are impotent. We don't believe we can
communicate with our caregivers and even if we could, we have no idea what to
tell them. We don't know what we want or need beyond
our passionate desire to have our loved ones "back again."

Eventually, many who are captive finally give in to exhaustion and frustration
and decide to relax a bit while cautiously "watching" to see what kind of help
might be offered to them. Caring and compassionate
souls can then approach carefully and begin to cut away the things that are,
tangling our minds and souls. Gently, patiently and very carefully, they
persistently work away at their live-giving task. It often takes a
long time, but if we don't fight their efforts, if we just cooperate by staying
still and waiting for them to help us, we find that we can be free at last! It
doesn't actually happen suddenly at all; it takes time and
work and courage, but it is worth the wait and the trusting. When we are
finally released, we must remember to not just swim away and forget our
champions. Instead, like the grateful whale, we need to hang around for awhile
and gently nudge our heroes, offering our thanks and gratitude for their brave
and unselfish work on our behalf.

There are lots of "heroes" like those who saved the whale: Counselors, authors,
speakers, funeral directors, friends, family members, co-workers, medical
professionals, clergy, and even (sometimes
especially) publications like Grief Digest magazine. With time, patience and
trust, eventually we can swim free in the ocean of life and even give back some
of the love and effort that was lavished on us.


~reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation, Omaha, NE
866-218-0101
www.griefdigest.com
April 2007
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Preston and Family  / Gail Mom Crystal Earnhart (^l^ friend )
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In Honor of you  / Mommy

For your 22 month Angel Day in honor of Preston I bought 10 trees to be planted in your memory near Yellowstone Park. I thought it was a special way to remember my baby boy on his Angel day.  We received a certificate and his name is registered in their database.  Always trying to do good things in his memory.

~Mommy, Daddy, Dakota, Alivia
3/23/07

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Your 22 month Angel day  / Mommy
All month I have had this date in the back of my head.  Such a harsh reality that you have really been gone 22 months.  Longer then you were here with us. On Tuesday your little sister will be 2 years old, she is already older than you how unfair. At your dayacare they are starting the Pre-K sign ups just another jab to my heart as you should be gearing up this year for Pre-K.  So many huge milestones we miss and will continue to miss.  I was talking with your Aunt Marcia the other day about what would life be like today with you running around 3 1/2 years old with your big brother 7 years old and little sister almost 2 I can only imagine the running here and there playing on the swingset all kinds of trouble.  Then I am back to reality I will never see you run again, smile again, laugh again or even get mad.  The months will continue to go forward then the years will pass and you will always be 21 months old. Never to grow up we will never know who you would be, what your dreams would be forever we will only be able to imagine.  Wow, how much does that suck.  And there is no better word then SUCK!!  

My baby boy we miss you so much there isn't a second we don't think of you or talk about you.  The hurt never will go away there will always be emptiness in our heart and home that you are not here with us.

All my love,
Mommy
3/23/07 Close

"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY"  / Johnette Moninger (Angel Friend )

Wishing
You
and
Your
Family
and
Friends
a
Wonderful
"Happy Valentine's Day"

May Their Memories Of You
Warm Their Hearts.
Love,
Johnette

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A valentine for you angel  / Rosemary Sis Of ^j^ Alvin Cremeans

I hope your day is as sweet as you are angel.
xoxoxo
Rosemary 
sis of ^j^ Alvin Cremeans

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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY PRESTON  / Debbie Wengert (Kevin's Mom )

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To my baby boy  / Mommy
Preston,
  My sweet baby boy you would be 3 1/2 yrs old right now and I can't wrap my mind around it.  You would be running all over the place and I can't imagine it.  Getting ready for Pre K in the fall...wow we have missed so much and there is still so much more we will never have with you.  I have regressed so much only because the pain is to great to deal with.  My mind wonders to dreadful places and I can't stop it.  Sometimes I wish I could trade lives with anyone because this life that I have is full of to much pain that I know will never go away forever I will live without my youngest son.  That is hard to swallow most days. Other days I get through cause I know you only knew love, joy and happiness and that is something to be thankful for.  You were loved every second of your life and you are loved and cherished every second you are in Heaven.  We miss you so much but that doesn't describe it.  Your big brother talks about you all the time how he wishes you were here.  Just the other night he said what a great brother you were how he loved you.  Breaks my heart that he doesn't have you by his side.  Also, that already he speaks in the past tense about you.  But, that is normal, whatever normal is. Your little sister has been our true saving grace I know now she was meant to be here for the loss of you son.  She has helped us to keep moving day to day.  The greatest thing is how mush she looks like you, except she has daddy's ears.  Sometimes I do daydream what the 2 of you would look like side by side almost twins.  I know you love her and show her your love you two have a special brother sister bond that no one can see it can only be felt.  I love you to the moon and back my baby boy.  I can't wait for Spring to see all your butterflies again they fill me with hope...Hope that I will get through another day, hope that you will live on forever in every person who knew you, sees your site or hears your story, hope that one day there may be a reason for SUDC.  Hope is all we have now.

Love,
Mommy
2/7/07 Close

Valentine's Poem from TCF  / Mommy
(the following poem is dedicated in honor of all bereaved parents and in loving
memory of all our children)

~ For Valentine's Day ~
S.W.A.K.
(Sealed With A Kiss)

Remember how we used to write to those we loved the best?
Our letters we would fill with hopes and dreams and seal them with a kiss.

To you, our child, we write today - and wish we could impart,
The hopes and dreams that once we had, now crush our breaking hearts.

The thoughts of what we had planned for you float through our wishful minds,
Then burst like bubbles in the air, while dreams explode with time.

And yet we still have hope and still dream on, and think of all we'll miss,
And wish with all our hearts we could write to you, and seal it with a kiss.

The grief we have for you is like a weight upon our chests,
There's no way we can ignore it - it never gives us rest.

And no words could ever tell of our longings to express,
To write a love letter to you, our child, and to seal it with a kiss.

And if we had but one chance more to write to you today,
The words would come with no regrets and we'd like for them to say...

"To love and to be loved by you, our child,...an honor and so blest,
Our time on earth cut short, it's true ... But We Sealed It With a Kiss."

(by Faye McCord, TCF Co-Chapter Leader, Jackson, MS Chapter) Close

my heart goes out to you.  / Cheryl Cannon Nanny To Harlei Jr

If Tomorrow Never Comes"


If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would videotape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two
to stop and say, "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day,
well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance to make everything right.

There will always be another day to say our "I love you's",
and certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's?"

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget,

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight..

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear,

Take time to say "I'm sorry," "please forgive me,"
"thank you" or "it's okay".
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today

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20 Month Angel Day  / Jennifer Harrington (friend)
Sweet Preston-Twenty Months....oh where has the time gone. This past year and a half has been so hard for us all, especially your family, especially mommy, daddy, brother, and sister too.  We still ask how, we still ask why, and we still long for you each day.  I know you see that; I know you feel that; and I also know you feel and see our love that we send to you every day. Not a day goes by where you are not thought about, not a day goes by that we do not look at your pictures, remember your cute face, talk or think about all those memories...that does not make anything any easier, it does make us smile to remember you but it also makes our hearts ache because you are not here with us. 

Saturday your baby sister will be 22 months old. This is a hard one for mama; how can she be 22 months already; you will always be her big brother; she will look up to you and love you and cherish you just like we all do.  She wil be sad to only know you through pictures and stories, but I know she feels your presence by the way she carries your picuture around...you two look so much alike, 2 peas in a pod.  I know you are watching over her; as you are Dakota too, they are so lucky to have you as a brother sweet boy.

I just wanted to pay tribute to you on this day Moose, the twenty third of each month will never be the same for any of us, it is forever your angel day, and on this day there are always tears, always a longing for you,  but we also remember what a precious little man you were.  

Good night moose...send mommy sweet sweet dreams for me..

Love-
Jennifer Close

"MARRY CHRISTMAS"  / Johnette Moninger (Friend)

A brief moment of darkness
was all that I knew,
before Heaven's Gate
came into my view.
Loved ones and friends
I had missed for many years,
welcomed me with open arms
and many happy tears.
All the hurt, fear, and pain
that I have ever known,
is gone from my life,
I am finally home.
I gazed upon the Lord's
sweet smiling face,
and for the first time in my life
I knew and felt His grace.
I know that you miss me,
but please dry your eyes.
I will always be watching and loving you
from my new home in the sky.
A cool breeze on your face,
a touch of light rain,
I will send as a reminder
that we will be united again.
Life on earth is but one
brief moment in time,
I am finally home,
Eternity is mine.




Wishing you and yours
a very 
"MERRY CHRISTMAS"
Love,
Johnette

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I lit a candle for you in church tonight...  / Someone Who Cares (always be a friend )
Hey lil man.  Its about an hour till Christmas day...and I just wanted you to know, today, was rough for me and Im not too sure why.   I miss a few people in my life and as I was singing SILENT NIGHT at our candlelight service at church the tears were just streaming down my face as I felt so sad that you arent here to enjoy Christmas day with your loving family and espesh your mommy. When your mommy and I were kids we used to call eachother first thing christmas morning after we opened out gifts and told eachother everything that we got.  I cant remember if it was her birthday or xmas( we are old now miho...ha!) but she got this LIME GREEN outfit!  Head to toe-GREEN.  She thought she was soooo hot!  I know you would have gotten some big truck or something the same as Big Brother would have wanted this year if you were still with us down here. I miss her...and you very much. Its so frustrating that things have to change soooo much.

  I really wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas and to send me some extra love every now and again, I sure could use it this holiday season. 

Take care lil man.  And of your family.  

xoxoxoxo Close